Yu — daily reflections: a journal of self inquiry
I have no idea how I could publish a book. English was not my first language, and Chinese my mother tongue had been abandoned by myself since I migrated to New Zealand when I was 17. But somehow I created this book combining English and Chinese on the same page.
In the book, most questions that I had for journalling in my daily ritual appear in the form of English, as I found that I could express my authenticity (my emotions) more in English, whereas there has always been an awkwardness in expressing my true self using Chinese due to the cultural conditioning I was brought up — suppressed/repressed emotion-less communication.
When I first learned English in my 16, I found a sense of freedom, a freedom to express anything without worrying about social judgement from my family or community. It’s like I could re-born with a new identity by migration, that’s no longer restricted by any of my past prisoning. So it makes sense that I have to publish this book in both English and Chinese.
I had left my birth place without knowing or feeling the roots, migration had shaken my earth and for years, I never felt landed anywhere, never felt grounded at ‘home’, either in New Zealand or China, and neither within myself.
There had been constant struggle of can’t fit in what’s new and can’t fit back what’s old. The space in-between lines and in-between black and white as seen from the book and its artwork, is about grieving what’s been lost and longing for — who am I, who can I be, where is my sense of self, how do I belong…
Years of suffering from self-hatred, unworthiness, unlovability and lost identity, guided me to self-healing journey. Self-inquiry is what saved me, ended my suffering. From years of practicing psychotherapy, movement therapy, art therapy…self-inquiry was the thread connecting all resources that I had gathered for healing and coming back home, to where I am now. Home is who I am, I am home, no matter where, no matter what.
I don’t know who might be interested in my process, or who might even pick up my book to use for their daily reflection. I don’t even know if I could survive after publishing the book. I don’t know why I am doing what I am doing. Yet I want to devote myself to what I truly love, which is, to just be — be myself, as where I am and who I am.
I made the choice to express myself and share my healing journey through this book. It’s like a gamble, I take this moment of freedom to give a try. If my book fails, I am still who I am. If the book could be accepted, I am still who I am.
So here is the book YU. I stopped everything — left job, family and place where I lived for 20 years, and this book is the birth of my new journey and chapter that I am praying in the midst of unknown that life will take care of me.
All I could, is to just be, be who I am, vulnerable, without control, without certainty, without knowing…yet falling into what I love and what I want, at the deepest level — sharing my healing process as part of our collective humanity.